Where have all the manly men gone?

I promised one of my high school friends a few weeks ago that I'd write about this topic, so I figured it's about time to address it. It seems that this is neither simply a regional problem nor a cultural one, rather an epidemic sweeping our country: the disappearance of manly men. Where have they all gone?

Hyperbolic perhaps, but this topic has come up frequently with my female friends lately. No, it's not that we're looking for guys to be every stereotype of manly at all times. We appreciate that men are getting more in touch with their emotions, care about their interpersonal relationships, and are free to take on stereotypical women's roles (e.g. cooking, caretaking). Yet, there should be some manly traits to balance things, whether it be skill in a particular sport, assertiveness in your professional/personal life, the desire to protect those you care about, the willingness to stand up for what you believe in regardless of the cost. In short, particularly with women who are themselves athletic, ambitious, and/or strong-willed, it's the realization that we don't want to "out-man" the men in our lives.

This isn't an issue with all guys (I know of a number who have found a good balance between their masculine and feminine qualities), nor is it confined solely to men. To be entirely fair, there seems to be a growing trend of wussiness throughout our whole country, not just with our males. Parents are increasingly overprotective of their children, and the overall economic prosperity of our country minimizes the need to work hard in future generations. And entirely too frequently, it seems to play itself out in the guys we date, those who can't stand up to their parents on their partner's behalf, those who shy away from leadership and decision making in any capacity, those who have to be consoled more often than they console, those who avoid/fear taking any risks, not to mention those who can't get up the nerve to pursue women they're interested in. While I usually hate stereotyped gender roles, if you are male and all too often fit the descriptions above, it's time to grow up and man up (see above link for ideas). Wussy is simply not sexy.

Exes, friends, and family

In talking with a number of friends and family members recently, exes has become an overwhelmingly frequent topic. It seems that no one knows what to do about them.

First off, for those relationships that end relatively well, we often want to maintain the underlying friendship. This one seems like a no-brainer, but let me be clear about this: you cannot go straight from being romantically involved to being platonic friends. Yet almost everyone I know, both male and female, have convinced themselves at one time or other that they can be the exception to this rule. And so they begin this pattern of recapping their day to their ex while searching for/going on disconnected dates with others, until one of them finally realizes that he/she cannot rely on their ex emotionally and simultaneously try to move on, and they cut all ties. We need a cooling off period after a relationship, to get used to the others absence and rediscover our independence. Friendships can be reformed, but they must be just that: started anew after the raw emotions settle down.

Secondly, for those relationships that end not so well, how should we handle it? Whether one publicly or privately copes, we feel any from a range of passionate feelings: hurt, anger, betrayal, jealousy, longing, love and hate. It only makes sense that those who can put us on cloud nine can hurt us just as drastically, so passive feelings are not an option. Yet how long should we feel that way? If one harbors strong feelings of resentment/hatred well into their next relationship, is this simply symptomatic of the extent of emotional damage? Or is it a sign that they have not completely gotten over their ex?

Lastly, for those particularly long term relationships or marriages, what should one do about the family? Does one need to divorce the spouse's family too, even though they may have played a major role in one's own life? And if not completely, what are our obligations to the ex-family in terms of life cycle events?

As usual, I have more questions than answer, so please post your thoughts.

On Jewish women

I'm currently reading a book entitled : The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt. Although I think it was given as a joke, it's actually a really cool collection of writings by Jewish women about guilt many of us feel because of our upbringing/community (e.g. not calling your mother, supplying grandchildren, or academic perfection). While I could write a blog about most of them, the last few pieces touched on something I've been thinking a lot about lately: how the world (including the Jewish world) sees Jewish women.

Let's start by laying out the stereotypes. Jewish women are pushy, gossipy, manipulative, overly dominant in their relationships. They worry about everything, are overprotective and overbearing, always prepare an overabundance of food, and have mastered the art of guilting. Let's not forget those observantly orthodox are backward and submissive caretakers, while those who have largely assimilated in American society have earned the title of Jewish American Princesses (JAPs). Have I covered all the bases?

What really gets me is that Jews are often the biggest critics. To be clear, I think it's healthy that every group of people look internally for flaws to try to fix. Yet when the critiques become so prominent as to eclipse any of the positives, that becomes detrimental to us as individuals. The closest comparison I can make is to African Americans during the slave trade and afterward, having been told so many times they were less intelligent, unable to succeed on their own, that some began to believe it themselves (ala Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye).

Not to mention that by harping on the negatives in mixed company, it can perpetuate these stereotypes in non-Jewish circles which may not have the context with which to interpret them. But that's a discussion for another time.

While I do not feel the need to defend the JAP stereotype, I do want to address the strong-willed dominant woman one. As with most ethnic groups throughout history, women have traditionally focused inward, often the ones responsible for taking care of and protecting the family. So when anything or anyone threatened the family unit, it has often been the women who noticed and spoke up first (or who were the only ones around while the men were off fighting).

In particular with Jewish history, the main lesson after the Holocaust was Never Again. And by this, I mean never again are we to ignore the warning signs, to take discrimination and write it off, unwilling and unable to see the violent tides of the future. Never again are we to march like sheep to our deaths. Yes, it's been a while since the 1940s, but the scars are still present, and have definitely influenced the way we raise our children. Couple that to the fact that Jews tend to be fairly progressive when it comes to gender equality, and you have a couple generations of Jewish American women taught to follow their dreams, speak up for what they believe in, and fight to protect their family. This is something we should be proud of, not apologizing for.