Thursday, December 28, 2006

Second Thoughts

How is it that guys think that a 2nd thought is a complement? I mean, seriously. In the past week, I've been repeatedly the subject of the 2nd thought. "What do you say if we're too picky with the opposite sex that we be each other's backup?"

Backup??? I mean, I know that people make that kind of promise often so that they feel they have an out if their future doesn't seem to hold what they hope for, but seriously. Do I look like a backup??? Yes, we get along well, but for me to want to end up with someone, I sure as hell hope he's not "settling" for me.

Another friend of mine told me his female friends were rooting for him to pursue me. Now why on earth would I want to know that??? If something were to work, I would hope your friends weren't the reason you finally grew some balls. Did they convince you to lower your standards? I mean, as a friend, I'm glad they have a high opinion of me and my life, but why do you need peer pressure to realize what a great person I am. All modesty aside, I would hope that you appreciate your friends for how great they are and what they bring out in you. At least, that's what I do.

I think perhaps that's a major reason why I'm still single. Why the heck am I going to enter a relationship with someone if I'm just another girl? Maybe it's too idealistic, but I want to be wanted, needed, appreciated for who I am as a person. Call me picky if you will, but that's the way I expect to feel about a guy, and vice versa. If not, what's the point of a relationship?

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy Christmas

Christmas always seems to be a funny time of year for me. My family usually spends it visiting some island, where you always wonder if they've even met anyone that doesn't celebrate Christmas, and if there's any point in responding Happy Chanukkah. With the recent debates of what greeters are allowed to say, I'm not sure how I feel about the Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas greeting. Personally, it just feels better to hear the former, but it feels weird to try to impose your constraints on the majority of people (much like the rabbi fighting the christmas trees), especially since Chanukkah isn't even a major holiday for Jews. And I think most Americans like hearing Merry Christmas, so who am I to complain about something that's just mildly unpleasant?

It's also a funny time of year because every Jew tries to figure out what to do with herself on the 24th and 25th. In Atlanta, a lot of the Jewish groups have a party on Christmas eve, which just seems counterintuitive. I mean, just as the majority of Americans do nothing on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, it feels like that's what we should be doing during the Christian major holidays. Besides, there's always Chinese food and the movies if you must do something. This year in particular, the Jewish group that usually has a big young adult party invited non-Jews as well, which set forth a huge controversy. I mean, I understand wanting to hang out with like minded individuals during your own holiday, but who cares about someone else's??

Maybe some of those who felt strongly could explain this to me, but it just doesn't make sense...

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Aruba

So I returned Thursday morning from a family vacation to Aruba. Lest you get all jealous of me, let me explain just what this vacation entailed:

1) I brought books to study with. Since my qualifying exam (a big oral exam I need to pass in order to stay in grad school) is the 2nd week of January, I needed to prepare. This meant bringing my large suitcase, and having to bring at least 2 books in my carry on bag with me (due to weight limits on my bag).

2) Actually finding time to study while in Aruba proved more interesting. Our hotel thought it would be a nice added touch to have live parrots on the property. The only problem: they start squakking at about 7am and don't stop until long after dark. You ever try studying with parrots??

3) My mother. For those of you who have heard me complain about her before, enough said.

4) Looking at the large number of Americans ridiculously overweight and sitting on the beach. One guy was married to a muslim female who wore a Hijab, but for some odd reason he didn't think modesty rules applied to him. This was unfortunate for the rest of us, who had to look at his ginormous belly all day.

I'm going to expand on this one for a second. Look, I understand that some people have higher metabolisms than others, and that your metabolism decreases as you get older. But here's a news flash: if you eat a ton and don't move off your tuchus for any sort of physical activity, you're going to gain a hell of a lot more weight. And when you pack on a great deal, your health decreases dramatically. No, you don't need a pill to help you with cholesterol, you need to get off your ass and do something, exercise, if you will. And as your health decreases, your cost of health care increases- who do you think pays for this increased burden? Seriously, there should be a fat tax, just as there is a tax on cigarettes. You want to be detrimental to your health, fine, but why should the rest of us have to shoulder your burden??

5) Family vacations mean separating yourself from the local customs and visiting everything as a complete tourist. There is no going to a bar at night and hanging out with the locals, no getting invited into a stranger's house for coffee and talking politics, no actual interactions with the non-touristy culture. Do I even know what people do in town for fun?

Ok, I'm done complaining. The vacation did have some highlights (beautiful scenery, driving a large jeep offroad on a very bumpy and windy path down a mountain, watching my parents attempt to play air hockey, some cool snorkeling), so all in all it was an ok time. Just not so much my idea of a vacation....

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Common Courtesy

Sorry all, I know it's been a while since I blogged last. I'll be more consistent again now that my exams are through.

Let me start this blog by mentioning that I am well aware that I used to be one of the inconsiderate (although I'm sure I lapse back from time to time now). As an undergrad I was quite accustomed to others providing me with free alcohol, and it never really occurred to me to buy bottles for mine and my friends' consumption. Then I started hosting pre-parties for sorority functions, and realized just how big an impact it made when girls didn't chip money in or bring something themselves. Especially when the same ones"forgot" repeatedly.

Yet that was one instance, and I have since tried to extend what I believe to be a basic level of courtesy in many areas. Yet, lately I've been noticing an overall lack of courtesy with a lot of people I know. It's more just being unaware of their impact on others than a purposeful neglect, but when the same people repeatedly display this type of behavior, it really gets me thinking about said person's overall values. To give you some examples:

1) I went on a date to an Indian restaurant, where they serve curries with a relatively small portion of rice. Now, most people I know when sharing dishes such as mentioned above, might take a relatively small amount of rice then with a bunch of curry, out of consideration to the others they're sharing it with. Not this guy- he took about half the plate of rice, and continued to down it plain- no curry. And yes, you can bet I read into that action- and promptly stopped dating him. That may seem brash, but really, if you're not even going to be considerate to me on our first few dates, how the heck are you going to be with a relationship??

2) I like to cook, and readily cook for others on many occasions. Now, I don't ever offer something with an expectation of something in return, tit-for-tat, but I do have expectations that if I'm generous, other people will be too. Yet I know too many who come to dinner multiple times empty handed, and don't take it upon themselves to return the favor, clean the dishes, or reciprocate in some fashion. If I ask for help I generally receive it, but really, in my book, I shouldn't have to ask.

Someone mentioned that I might need to be more upfront about what I expect. But really, if I have to tell you how to behave, then your behavior says nothing about your personality and ability to consider others.

However, for those who need it spelled out, here are what I consider to be rules of common courtesy that I try to follow (at least in regards to food):

1) If you're going to someone's house for dinner, bring something. Pick up a bottle of wine, a dessert, ask the person if they need you to pick anything up on the way. Even if they say nothing, bring something anyways. If it's a last minute dinner or you're running late, it's not always necessary, but if they have time to cook, you have time to stop at Publix.

2) If someone else did the cooking, volunteer to do the cleaning. At the very least help them clean. If you want to be extra nice (especially if they cooked a ton), kick them out of the kitchen and don't let them clean.

3) If you're going someplace with alcohol, and know about it in advance, try to bring some with you to contribute to the stash.

4) Never take the last bite. Always offer it to the other people.

5) If you notice that someone has been doing a lot for you and you haven't had an easy opportunity to return the favor, go out of your way to do something nice for them.

6) When in doubt, ask how you can be of help.

Feel free to add to this list!

All I'm saying is that common courtesy only works if everyone does it (thus the word common). So if you're not already doing so, wise up, and be considerate!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Stupid Girls

A friend sent me this music video- I absolutely love it! You might have already seen/heard it (it came out a while ago, but you know me and my knowledge of pop culture). Check it out if not:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nr_-4MjYNU

The sad thing is how common it is. But hey, lemme know what you think about this one.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Politically Superficial

After the elections last week, I spent a good deal of time discussing with a variety of people the outcome. Now, I've long since realized that even though I disagree with those with the opposing political viewpoint, I recognize many have very logical arguments for why they believe what they believe. Take, for instance, homelessness. More liberal people may think some people in this situation are not responsible, and tend to look at increasing the number of jobs, minimum wage, low-income housing, and access to mental health drugs as means to lessen this problem. More conservative people may look to increase overall business success in hopes it affects the unemployed ( the "trickle down" theory of economics, I believe), and will look to fixing our distribution so that some homeless will stop abusing the system and take responsibility to get jobs for themselves. Now, you may agree with one camp or the other, but both sides would agree that homelessness is a problem.

Yet, last week, I ran into a handful of very educated people that would blatantly stereotype the opposite party. After pointing out that for the first time there would be a woman as Speaker of the House (something I thought would be less politically charged), one guy responded , "Yeah, but she's a commie". WHAT?? I didn't even know we still used that term in a derogatory sense.
After commenting that there would be the first Muslim congressman, he responded , "Yeah, he was a Black Panther." Well, I go on to find out that he's pretty moderate on his official stances about the Middle East, and endorsed by a few Jewish groups. Now common, did that guy even look into these people himself before blatantly stereotyping them? It seems more likely that he believed a one word description of them passed on by some biased media outlet, on the sole basis that they belonged to the Democratic party.

Don't think this only applies to the conservatives this election either. My sister was mad that people only voted against the Republicans when Iraq started to go sour and Bush couldn't weasel his way out of his lies anymore, and not because of all the human rights abuses against detainees in Guantanamo or the bias in the patriot act. People just didn't care about these things. I think one of the biggest reasons Dems lost in 2004 was because of this kind of liberal superiority complex, that writes most of the country off as being too ignorant to care about important social issues. Well, hell, last time we checked every adult in this country get the right to vole, and yes, people have different priorities for candidates. But just because someone cares more about having enough food to feed her family or takes a tough stance on national security doesn't mean she doesn't care about human rights violations. When you vote, however, you don't get to vote for someone with all of your beliefs, you have to prioritize and vote for someone who represents a lot of them.

I guess my point in all of this is that I'm terribly disappointed in others' ability to converse. To have a political discussion, without being angry at the other person for not agreeing with you. To have a strong political opinion, that's actually backed up with acknowledging the rationale behind multiple sides. I'm not saying we have to always agree on everything. What we do have to do, however, is listen. Because really, democracy runs the smoothest when politicians discuss viewpoints and have many different opinions involved in making a law. That's a whole lot better than the mudslinging campaigns we saw for this election and the usual back and forth political bantering after a law has been made. Then maybe individuals will stop mimicking these disgraceful attitudes outside the political arena as well.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

On Dating Part II

Here you have it, the much awaited for sequel to the dating rant.... :) Btw, all those who read without commenting SUCK! I like knowing what you all think.

Anyways...

Last time around, I never quite answered the question I posed. What is the point in dating? I've been pondering this a lot since I got to Atlanta, because no one ever really has a good answer. I think it's because everyone has different reasons. Here are the three main breakdowns I see:

1) I'll call this high school dating. You date because you like the company, the physical attraction, the chemistry. You're still trying what's out there, and trying to figure out what the heck you want. You like to date, and if someone suits your fancy, why not?

2) I'll call this the religious and over 30 dating. You date because you want a spouse. You try to give everyone a real chance, but call it quits once they're not in it for the long haul or when you realize you couldn't deal with being married to that person. When you're not dating, you feel you're wasting time.

3) I'll call this the picky category. You've dated a bit, and have some idea of what you're looking for (and more of an idea of what you're not). You're not ready to get married anytime in the near future, but you don't much see the point in dating anyone long-term that doesn't have the potential to be that person later on. Other people usually tend to be more concerned with you being single than you are.

In case you can't already tell, I figure I'm in this third category. I mean, I do like the company and all that other good stuff. But I'm still stubbornly independent, and have a tough time ceding much of my time and interests for another, especially someone I'm just lightly dating. I mean, I loved my last relationship where I never saw my boyfriend before 11 on Thurs-Sat nights, think of all the time I had for my girls! :) Besides, it seems to me that you can satisfy any need for companionship with good friends, and as a female, there are always a number of options to satisfy the physical if necessary. As for the 2nd category, I'm not at a place in my life where I could handle losing some of my independence, not always following my dreams, and acting in the best interest of the couple instead of the individual. Which, well, you need to be willing to do to have a functional marriage. And so I keep trucking along as the picky dater, knowing what I want (or rather, what I don't) and ruling out many before I even go on a date.

The thing I don't get about category 3 is the way your friends in serious couples react. "So, are you dating anyone interesting?"... "No, well, don't worry, you'll find him"..."Maybe we can set you up with this friend..." I mean, really, I didn't realize I was worried or needing help. But thanks for feeling sorry for me.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

On Dating Part I

What is the point of dating? After a year an a half sort of in the real world, I still haven't figured this one out. To tell the truth, I still tend to run in the other direction everytime a guy asks for my number, regardless of how cute he is. Maybe it's just me, but I want to revert back to high school and undergrad dating (undergrad only in the sense of actually liking the person, as opposed to the random hookups that happened a lot more frequently). You know, where you really liked a guy and he liked you, and that tension constantly built up until the time you first kissed. I liked the butterfly feeling you'd get before anything happened. And I really like that the majority of these first kisses went with the flow of the moment and were rather memorable.

Now outside in the "real world", you're actually supposed to date. I mean, after the first time or two of meeting a complete stranger, you're supposed to go on a date. Maybe you have a little of the butterflies, but they're just starting to form. And chances are, the only thing you know is that you have potential chemistry. You don't actually KNOW the person. If the date goes well, you might get a kiss, and depending on the person, maybe more. HOW DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE??

To make matters more complicated, there's dating rules and games that everyone seems to understand. How and when do you say you're not interested? Who should call who and when? What is actually a date?.... I think maybe this is why I have such issues with it- I don't know how to play. I can pretend for a little, but sooner or later I'm bound to screw up. Take for instance, the first kiss. One of the last guys I "dated" went to kiss me, and I literally turned the other cheek. Not for lack of wanting to, I just didn't know what signs to read to realize he was about to (that and the fact that he didn't exactly have the smoothest initiation moves ;) ). In "real world dating", there's almost an expected time for a first kiss, which only serves to make that time period more awkward. And if you're like me and try to avoid all potentially awkward situations, well, then, you're just screwed (and not in a good way).

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Ethics and honor

Where does everyone get the moral yardstick they try to measure up to? After a recent conversation with a friend, I found out that he had no moral compunction with reusing old papers, copying someone's work, anything to simplify the assignment... as long as he didn't get caught. Now, I'm not sure how many people will actually admit to it, but somehow I doubt he's the only one that feels that way. I know at Duke, for one, there was no lack of students who were willing to do whatever was necessary to get the grades they wanted. Fraternity and sorority test and homework files, literally copying engineering code, and of course the peering over someone's shoulder during an exam, for such an academically respected school, we had it all. After all, most reasoned, this is what the real world entails.

I'll be the first to admit it. I've cheated before. On an AP government quiz in high school one day, I memorized the multiple choice answers. Everyone else was doing it, it was one of our teacher's many pointless quizzes, and I caved. But TO THIS DAY, that memory still bothers me. I can't imagine how I would handle more major offenses, let alone trying to justify them. It just doesn't feel right, like I'm not being true to myself and my values, if I put forth something that's not my own work or effort. Really, what's the point of your word if it can't be trusted?

Maybe people just don't have high ethical boundaries for themselves. I mean, look at this study about teachers cheating. If our own educators can't themselves behave morally, how can they teach our children to care? Copyright infringements, rampant plagiarism, forging timecards, bosses taking credit for their people's ideas... yes, it's prevalent in the real world, but does that really make it right?

In today's exceedingly competitive world, why do very few people care about ethics? I mean really, who sticks to moral guidelines if it will cost them an extra few hours of their time?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Perfectionism

When is your effort good enough?

As the second real blog I post, I realize that it's a bit of a somber question, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I've always been a very busy person, successfully juggling multiple activities and academics. For the most part, I really enjoy having a lot of different things going on (blame it on my undiagnosed ADD :) ). But it seems lately that I approach tasks differently than a lot of people. I have this strong internal drive to be able to do many things very well, and don't like to be seen in any way as not good enough.

When it comes to class assignments and studying for tests, I won't stop working until I've done everything I think I should do, or I literally run out of time. With non-academic pursuits, I agree to do almost everything if I can literally fit it into my schedule (think tetris). And I tend to feel guilty about what I pass up, especially when it comes to acting against injustice. Put together, this usually means doing things for school or others at the expense of things that affect solely me (i.e. cleaning my room, getting a haircut, sleeping). It means missing out on things that I would otherwise enjoy because I don't have the time to perfect them (e.g. playing all sports other than soccer). Most importantly, it usually means I'm bound to not meet all my expectations and end up disappointing myself, let alone everyone else I've committed to doing things for.

A few years back an undergrad at Duke wrote an editorial entitle "Effortless Perfection." If you haven't seen it or want a refresh, click here. While an extreme scenario, the underlying messages are scarily familiar. At what point do you start allowing yourself to mess up, to not take on everything you can, and to not set the bar quite so high? Even if you ignore societal pressure, what about your own expectations?

Is this a gender specific stress? Which is a greater factor, society's expectations or your own? And where do you draw the line between pushing yourself to make the most of your life, and trying to be too perfect?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Women and strength

So the other day a friend of mine posted a blog mentioning something about women taking some responsibility for rape, especially when they don't take any precautions to protect themselves. After giving him a long lecture about why womeon should never be blamed for being raped, regardless of what they were wearing or how flirtatious they were being, I realized that he did indeed have a point. He just wasn't doing a very good job of stating it.

In today's world, women face a lot more dangers physically than men do. We're a lot more likely to get mugged, raped, robbed and abused than our male counterparts. Yet, very few women take it upon themselves to protect themselves. I can't begin to say how many women I've seen go to the gym for the sole goal of losing weight, without any regard for building up some strength. How many women ever seriously undertake a martial arts class, learn to shoot a gun, or pursue some other non-dainty self defense mechanism? As nice as the whole chivalry thing can be, I for one get rather tired of seeking out a male escort to walk me to my car late at night, or avoiding running by myself at certain times and in certain areas. Are taking those extra precautions worth it? And if so, are those who don't take those (or any) precautions at all responsible for anything happening to them?

I guess what I'm getting at is this: when will women start to take responsibility for protecting ourselves instead of waiting around for a man to do so? And to what extent (if any) should we have to?

A new start

Since I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs lately, I decided to start one of my own. I mean, common, you know I have a ton of thoughts running around my head at any one time, so might as well post some of them. I intend for this to be an interactive site, so please respond to whatever you like!