I'm currently reading a book entitled : The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt. Although I think it was given as a joke, it's actually a really cool collection of writings by Jewish women about guilt many of us feel because of our upbringing/community (e.g. not calling your mother, supplying grandchildren, or academic perfection). While I could write a blog about most of them, the last few pieces touched on something I've been thinking a lot about lately: how the world (including the Jewish world) sees Jewish women.
Let's start by laying out the stereotypes. Jewish women are pushy, gossipy, manipulative, overly dominant in their relationships. They worry about everything, are overprotective and overbearing, always prepare an overabundance of food, and have mastered the art of guilting. Let's not forget those observantly orthodox are backward and submissive caretakers, while those who have largely assimilated in American society have earned the title of Jewish American Princesses (JAPs). Have I covered all the bases?
What really gets me is that Jews are often the biggest critics. To be clear, I think it's healthy that every group of people look internally for flaws to try to fix. Yet when the critiques become so prominent as to eclipse any of the positives, that becomes detrimental to us as individuals. The closest comparison I can make is to African Americans during the slave trade and afterward, having been told so many times they were less intelligent, unable to succeed on their own, that some began to believe it themselves (ala Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye).
Not to mention that by harping on the negatives in mixed company, it can perpetuate these stereotypes in non-Jewish circles which may not have the context with which to interpret them. But that's a discussion for another time.
While I do not feel the need to defend the JAP stereotype, I do want to address the strong-willed dominant woman one. As with most ethnic groups throughout history, women have traditionally focused inward, often the ones responsible for taking care of and protecting the family. So when anything or anyone threatened the family unit, it has often been the women who noticed and spoke up first (or who were the only ones around while the men were off fighting).
In particular with Jewish history, the main lesson after the Holocaust was Never Again. And by this, I mean never again are we to ignore the warning signs, to take discrimination and write it off, unwilling and unable to see the violent tides of the future. Never again are we to march like sheep to our deaths. Yes, it's been a while since the 1940s, but the scars are still present, and have definitely influenced the way we raise our children. Couple that to the fact that Jews tend to be fairly progressive when it comes to gender equality, and you have a couple generations of Jewish American women taught to follow their dreams, speak up for what they believe in, and fight to protect their family. This is something we should be proud of, not apologizing for.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
Stuck in the middle
Why does my world always seem so polarized? I mean, whether it's a relationship gone sour, an organization's leadership butting heads, or friends who just plain dislike each other, lately I always seem to find myself stuck in the middle. While it may be a good thing that so many feel comfortable enough to confide in me, it always puts me on the defensive.
Call me an optimist, but I still think that most people are inherently good people. Yes, Zenith's body-flaunting-boy-crazy mentality annoys the crap out of me, but she's also friendly, caring and fun to hang out with when boys aren't around. Zed may be a dick to the women he dates, but is funny and intellectually stimulating and a supportive friend. If you minimize an individual to having only one personality trait, you ignore all of their redeeming qualities. So I generally choose to see the whole package, which is apparently not the popular approach.
That being said, I recognize the need to vent when something annoys you. This is particularly true with any sort of organization, as those who want to lead are also likely to have strong personalities and bump heads a bit. Yet here I often find myself as the middleman, instead of the injured parties directly interacting, I try to ferry the concerns of the venting one to the one she's speaking about, and try to defend the latter to the former.
Regardless of circumstances, I end up in the middle of a sea of negativity, which starts to impact my mood and thoughts. So what should I do? If I shut down lines of communication that are negative, I lose friends' willingness to share their feelings and frustrations, and mute criticism that could be constructive organizationally. If I don't, my role of cheerleader/telephone will continue to wear on my psyche. All I know is I hate being stuck in the middle.
Call me an optimist, but I still think that most people are inherently good people. Yes, Zenith's body-flaunting-boy-crazy mentality annoys the crap out of me, but she's also friendly, caring and fun to hang out with when boys aren't around. Zed may be a dick to the women he dates, but is funny and intellectually stimulating and a supportive friend. If you minimize an individual to having only one personality trait, you ignore all of their redeeming qualities. So I generally choose to see the whole package, which is apparently not the popular approach.
That being said, I recognize the need to vent when something annoys you. This is particularly true with any sort of organization, as those who want to lead are also likely to have strong personalities and bump heads a bit. Yet here I often find myself as the middleman, instead of the injured parties directly interacting, I try to ferry the concerns of the venting one to the one she's speaking about, and try to defend the latter to the former.
Regardless of circumstances, I end up in the middle of a sea of negativity, which starts to impact my mood and thoughts. So what should I do? If I shut down lines of communication that are negative, I lose friends' willingness to share their feelings and frustrations, and mute criticism that could be constructive organizationally. If I don't, my role of cheerleader/telephone will continue to wear on my psyche. All I know is I hate being stuck in the middle.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Life, death, and everything in between
I just got back from an unusual and last minute trip to New Jersey. One of my favorite uncles has been battling cancer for a while, and now it appears like cancer is winning. Since they just sent Hospice in, my aunt and uncle decided to pass along the word now, in hopes that everyone could visit while he's still alive.
It's always hard to see someone you love in pain. For my uncle, it comes down to balancing pain with the hallucinations that come when he's on too much pain medication. In this situation, I can't help but wonder what to hope/pray for. I mean, while I'd love a miracle, I'm a little too much of a realist to think he'll recover. So do I wish for more time with him? Or less time that he's in pain?
On top of this, we only spent about an hour with him each day we came to visit, because he was very tired and weak. The rest was spent with family, some of whom I don't get to see very often, and while there were moments of tears, there was overall still a reunion-like feel to our interactions. I know it meant a lot to him to have everyone there (I mean, he even told my grandmother he liked her singing growing up). So I've been pondering the importance of family. Although they can annoy you greatly at times, there's nothing like family to be there for you when you need it most. Nobody like family to love you regardless of how cranky you are, to drop their lives for you in a moment's notice. In my independent life in Atlanta, it's easy to lose sight of this.
In writing this, I don't expect sympathy, because no one ever knows what to say in such situations, so I will excuse everyone from the obligatory awkwardness. I will instead end on a more positive note, with some of my favorite Uncle Alan-isms:
1) He knows NYC in and out. He's famous for giving my friends an insiders' tour, pointing out things like where Ghostbusters was filmed, the courthouse steps from law and order, and every science fiction bookstore in the city.
2) At over 6 feet, he sticks out like a sore thumb with the rest of my family. During one of my high school soccer games, I knew my family made it out, because I heard his booming voice as I chased the ball. Sure enough, there's my uncle and the rest of the family, cheering me on with every touch, even though he understood little of the game itself.
3) He used to own a science fiction bookstore, and still loves the genre. Although I always argue, his rationale is that there's so much social commentary laced into the stories, that they become more realistic than other fiction. Then again, he once argued that Babylon 5 was more realistic than the Bourne Identity, because in the former the escape pod had blinking lights and the latter had a silencer on a revolver.
4) He knows politics. If you want someone on a ballot in NYC, you get my uncle. What this involves I know not, but he's damn good at it, and loves every opportunity to criticize the thieves and idiots he often found himself working with. This week we got him talking about his theory on why Obama won: within politics, there are a lot of crooks that try to ride the coattails of the politicians without doing much work. This primary season, most of them flocked to Hillary, which left the hardworking idealists to run Obama's campaign, which lead him to a landslide victory. Why have all these Obama people now come into the spotlight for "thievery?" They're all recent additions to the Obama wagon, and now is the first time he's having to learn how to sort the good from the bad.
I could go on, but I'll leave this off here. The summary version: love your family, and make the most of your life. Then even if you find it unexpectedly shortened, you'll know you made a difference and touched others.
It's always hard to see someone you love in pain. For my uncle, it comes down to balancing pain with the hallucinations that come when he's on too much pain medication. In this situation, I can't help but wonder what to hope/pray for. I mean, while I'd love a miracle, I'm a little too much of a realist to think he'll recover. So do I wish for more time with him? Or less time that he's in pain?
On top of this, we only spent about an hour with him each day we came to visit, because he was very tired and weak. The rest was spent with family, some of whom I don't get to see very often, and while there were moments of tears, there was overall still a reunion-like feel to our interactions. I know it meant a lot to him to have everyone there (I mean, he even told my grandmother he liked her singing growing up). So I've been pondering the importance of family. Although they can annoy you greatly at times, there's nothing like family to be there for you when you need it most. Nobody like family to love you regardless of how cranky you are, to drop their lives for you in a moment's notice. In my independent life in Atlanta, it's easy to lose sight of this.
In writing this, I don't expect sympathy, because no one ever knows what to say in such situations, so I will excuse everyone from the obligatory awkwardness. I will instead end on a more positive note, with some of my favorite Uncle Alan-isms:
1) He knows NYC in and out. He's famous for giving my friends an insiders' tour, pointing out things like where Ghostbusters was filmed, the courthouse steps from law and order, and every science fiction bookstore in the city.
2) At over 6 feet, he sticks out like a sore thumb with the rest of my family. During one of my high school soccer games, I knew my family made it out, because I heard his booming voice as I chased the ball. Sure enough, there's my uncle and the rest of the family, cheering me on with every touch, even though he understood little of the game itself.
3) He used to own a science fiction bookstore, and still loves the genre. Although I always argue, his rationale is that there's so much social commentary laced into the stories, that they become more realistic than other fiction. Then again, he once argued that Babylon 5 was more realistic than the Bourne Identity, because in the former the escape pod had blinking lights and the latter had a silencer on a revolver.
4) He knows politics. If you want someone on a ballot in NYC, you get my uncle. What this involves I know not, but he's damn good at it, and loves every opportunity to criticize the thieves and idiots he often found himself working with. This week we got him talking about his theory on why Obama won: within politics, there are a lot of crooks that try to ride the coattails of the politicians without doing much work. This primary season, most of them flocked to Hillary, which left the hardworking idealists to run Obama's campaign, which lead him to a landslide victory. Why have all these Obama people now come into the spotlight for "thievery?" They're all recent additions to the Obama wagon, and now is the first time he's having to learn how to sort the good from the bad.
I could go on, but I'll leave this off here. The summary version: love your family, and make the most of your life. Then even if you find it unexpectedly shortened, you'll know you made a difference and touched others.
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