In talking with a number of friends and family members recently, exes has become an overwhelmingly frequent topic. It seems that no one knows what to do about them.
First off, for those relationships that end relatively well, we often want to maintain the underlying friendship. This one seems like a no-brainer, but let me be clear about this: you cannot go straight from being romantically involved to being platonic friends. Yet almost everyone I know, both male and female, have convinced themselves at one time or other that they can be the exception to this rule. And so they begin this pattern of recapping their day to their ex while searching for/going on disconnected dates with others, until one of them finally realizes that he/she cannot rely on their ex emotionally and simultaneously try to move on, and they cut all ties. We need a cooling off period after a relationship, to get used to the others absence and rediscover our independence. Friendships can be reformed, but they must be just that: started anew after the raw emotions settle down.
Secondly, for those relationships that end not so well, how should we handle it? Whether one publicly or privately copes, we feel any from a range of passionate feelings: hurt, anger, betrayal, jealousy, longing, love and hate. It only makes sense that those who can put us on cloud nine can hurt us just as drastically, so passive feelings are not an option. Yet how long should we feel that way? If one harbors strong feelings of resentment/hatred well into their next relationship, is this simply symptomatic of the extent of emotional damage? Or is it a sign that they have not completely gotten over their ex?
Lastly, for those particularly long term relationships or marriages, what should one do about the family? Does one need to divorce the spouse's family too, even though they may have played a major role in one's own life? And if not completely, what are our obligations to the ex-family in terms of life cycle events?
As usual, I have more questions than answer, so please post your thoughts.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
On Jewish women
I'm currently reading a book entitled : The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt. Although I think it was given as a joke, it's actually a really cool collection of writings by Jewish women about guilt many of us feel because of our upbringing/community (e.g. not calling your mother, supplying grandchildren, or academic perfection). While I could write a blog about most of them, the last few pieces touched on something I've been thinking a lot about lately: how the world (including the Jewish world) sees Jewish women.
Let's start by laying out the stereotypes. Jewish women are pushy, gossipy, manipulative, overly dominant in their relationships. They worry about everything, are overprotective and overbearing, always prepare an overabundance of food, and have mastered the art of guilting. Let's not forget those observantly orthodox are backward and submissive caretakers, while those who have largely assimilated in American society have earned the title of Jewish American Princesses (JAPs). Have I covered all the bases?
What really gets me is that Jews are often the biggest critics. To be clear, I think it's healthy that every group of people look internally for flaws to try to fix. Yet when the critiques become so prominent as to eclipse any of the positives, that becomes detrimental to us as individuals. The closest comparison I can make is to African Americans during the slave trade and afterward, having been told so many times they were less intelligent, unable to succeed on their own, that some began to believe it themselves (ala Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye).
Not to mention that by harping on the negatives in mixed company, it can perpetuate these stereotypes in non-Jewish circles which may not have the context with which to interpret them. But that's a discussion for another time.
While I do not feel the need to defend the JAP stereotype, I do want to address the strong-willed dominant woman one. As with most ethnic groups throughout history, women have traditionally focused inward, often the ones responsible for taking care of and protecting the family. So when anything or anyone threatened the family unit, it has often been the women who noticed and spoke up first (or who were the only ones around while the men were off fighting).
In particular with Jewish history, the main lesson after the Holocaust was Never Again. And by this, I mean never again are we to ignore the warning signs, to take discrimination and write it off, unwilling and unable to see the violent tides of the future. Never again are we to march like sheep to our deaths. Yes, it's been a while since the 1940s, but the scars are still present, and have definitely influenced the way we raise our children. Couple that to the fact that Jews tend to be fairly progressive when it comes to gender equality, and you have a couple generations of Jewish American women taught to follow their dreams, speak up for what they believe in, and fight to protect their family. This is something we should be proud of, not apologizing for.
Let's start by laying out the stereotypes. Jewish women are pushy, gossipy, manipulative, overly dominant in their relationships. They worry about everything, are overprotective and overbearing, always prepare an overabundance of food, and have mastered the art of guilting. Let's not forget those observantly orthodox are backward and submissive caretakers, while those who have largely assimilated in American society have earned the title of Jewish American Princesses (JAPs). Have I covered all the bases?
What really gets me is that Jews are often the biggest critics. To be clear, I think it's healthy that every group of people look internally for flaws to try to fix. Yet when the critiques become so prominent as to eclipse any of the positives, that becomes detrimental to us as individuals. The closest comparison I can make is to African Americans during the slave trade and afterward, having been told so many times they were less intelligent, unable to succeed on their own, that some began to believe it themselves (ala Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye).
Not to mention that by harping on the negatives in mixed company, it can perpetuate these stereotypes in non-Jewish circles which may not have the context with which to interpret them. But that's a discussion for another time.
While I do not feel the need to defend the JAP stereotype, I do want to address the strong-willed dominant woman one. As with most ethnic groups throughout history, women have traditionally focused inward, often the ones responsible for taking care of and protecting the family. So when anything or anyone threatened the family unit, it has often been the women who noticed and spoke up first (or who were the only ones around while the men were off fighting).
In particular with Jewish history, the main lesson after the Holocaust was Never Again. And by this, I mean never again are we to ignore the warning signs, to take discrimination and write it off, unwilling and unable to see the violent tides of the future. Never again are we to march like sheep to our deaths. Yes, it's been a while since the 1940s, but the scars are still present, and have definitely influenced the way we raise our children. Couple that to the fact that Jews tend to be fairly progressive when it comes to gender equality, and you have a couple generations of Jewish American women taught to follow their dreams, speak up for what they believe in, and fight to protect their family. This is something we should be proud of, not apologizing for.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Stuck in the middle
Why does my world always seem so polarized? I mean, whether it's a relationship gone sour, an organization's leadership butting heads, or friends who just plain dislike each other, lately I always seem to find myself stuck in the middle. While it may be a good thing that so many feel comfortable enough to confide in me, it always puts me on the defensive.
Call me an optimist, but I still think that most people are inherently good people. Yes, Zenith's body-flaunting-boy-crazy mentality annoys the crap out of me, but she's also friendly, caring and fun to hang out with when boys aren't around. Zed may be a dick to the women he dates, but is funny and intellectually stimulating and a supportive friend. If you minimize an individual to having only one personality trait, you ignore all of their redeeming qualities. So I generally choose to see the whole package, which is apparently not the popular approach.
That being said, I recognize the need to vent when something annoys you. This is particularly true with any sort of organization, as those who want to lead are also likely to have strong personalities and bump heads a bit. Yet here I often find myself as the middleman, instead of the injured parties directly interacting, I try to ferry the concerns of the venting one to the one she's speaking about, and try to defend the latter to the former.
Regardless of circumstances, I end up in the middle of a sea of negativity, which starts to impact my mood and thoughts. So what should I do? If I shut down lines of communication that are negative, I lose friends' willingness to share their feelings and frustrations, and mute criticism that could be constructive organizationally. If I don't, my role of cheerleader/telephone will continue to wear on my psyche. All I know is I hate being stuck in the middle.
Call me an optimist, but I still think that most people are inherently good people. Yes, Zenith's body-flaunting-boy-crazy mentality annoys the crap out of me, but she's also friendly, caring and fun to hang out with when boys aren't around. Zed may be a dick to the women he dates, but is funny and intellectually stimulating and a supportive friend. If you minimize an individual to having only one personality trait, you ignore all of their redeeming qualities. So I generally choose to see the whole package, which is apparently not the popular approach.
That being said, I recognize the need to vent when something annoys you. This is particularly true with any sort of organization, as those who want to lead are also likely to have strong personalities and bump heads a bit. Yet here I often find myself as the middleman, instead of the injured parties directly interacting, I try to ferry the concerns of the venting one to the one she's speaking about, and try to defend the latter to the former.
Regardless of circumstances, I end up in the middle of a sea of negativity, which starts to impact my mood and thoughts. So what should I do? If I shut down lines of communication that are negative, I lose friends' willingness to share their feelings and frustrations, and mute criticism that could be constructive organizationally. If I don't, my role of cheerleader/telephone will continue to wear on my psyche. All I know is I hate being stuck in the middle.
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