Online dating

For all those of my friends who like to live vicariously through my dating stories, I figured it was time for an update. As I'd expect someone in my mother's generation to say, dating today just isn't what it used to be. Particularly in the age of online dating, as I'm now learning.

Let me paint the picture. Sign up for Jdate, Match.com, etc, and you're hit with a plethora of potential mates, their pics and bios for you to peruse at leisure. Having never met them, you come up with some arbitrary criteria from which to narrow the pool. You rule people out because they're too short, too tall, overweight, not meaty enough, too old, too young, not religious enough, too religious, have a boring job, don't make enough, hold the wrong political views, etc. With a narrower list, you can proceed.

The next stage is that someone initiates some sort of contact, be it an email or a chat message of some kind. And if you're the recipient, you get to evaluate whether the other person is worth your time. It never ceases to amaze me when someone decides not to respond. Maybe there are other things/people currently going on in their life, but more likely, they've already ruled you out. I mean, how does one take rejection by someone you've never met? They're not even rejecting you, just some aspect of their perception of you, which is the absurdity of it all... then after this realization you proceed to yourself ignore the message from the chubby/dull looking boy with no ambition.

In the last stage, whenever you do actually set up a meeting, you're now used to evaluating people based on predetermined criteria. No longer are you simply looking for a vaguely defined chemistry with someone, you're comparing against the checklist in your head. And then you wonder why no one seems to be measuring up to your preconceived notions of perfection. Now even when you meet members of the opposite sex on your own, your instinct is still to be in checklist mode. Either way, it becomes all too easy to rule people out rather than in.

In short, I think the world of online dating is allowing us to date like we shop, comparing models and prices until we find the best possible option. Perhaps in doing so we lose sight of the bigger picture of connecting to an actual person.

Reflections and apologies

It's that time of year again, to reflect on the past year and ask forgiveness for all the wrongs. I think this is one of the hardest things to do, both to remember individual events and to apologize without coming off insincere. But here it goes anyways.

First off, I want to apologize that my memory is not great, so I'm writing a generic apology for all that I may not remember. If I've wronged/hurt you in any way, purposeful or not, I'm sorry. If you're reading this, you are someone who I care about, and therefore do not want you to have suffered because of my actions (or lack thereof) or continue to be hurt by them/me. Please forgive me.

If you feel there's individual grievances which need further discussion/apologies, please let me know. Here's to a new year, a fresh start, and high expectations.

L'shanah Tovah.

Where have all the manly men gone?

I promised one of my high school friends a few weeks ago that I'd write about this topic, so I figured it's about time to address it. It seems that this is neither simply a regional problem nor a cultural one, rather an epidemic sweeping our country: the disappearance of manly men. Where have they all gone?

Hyperbolic perhaps, but this topic has come up frequently with my female friends lately. No, it's not that we're looking for guys to be every stereotype of manly at all times. We appreciate that men are getting more in touch with their emotions, care about their interpersonal relationships, and are free to take on stereotypical women's roles (e.g. cooking, caretaking). Yet, there should be some manly traits to balance things, whether it be skill in a particular sport, assertiveness in your professional/personal life, the desire to protect those you care about, the willingness to stand up for what you believe in regardless of the cost. In short, particularly with women who are themselves athletic, ambitious, and/or strong-willed, it's the realization that we don't want to "out-man" the men in our lives.

This isn't an issue with all guys (I know of a number who have found a good balance between their masculine and feminine qualities), nor is it confined solely to men. To be entirely fair, there seems to be a growing trend of wussiness throughout our whole country, not just with our males. Parents are increasingly overprotective of their children, and the overall economic prosperity of our country minimizes the need to work hard in future generations. And entirely too frequently, it seems to play itself out in the guys we date, those who can't stand up to their parents on their partner's behalf, those who shy away from leadership and decision making in any capacity, those who have to be consoled more often than they console, those who avoid/fear taking any risks, not to mention those who can't get up the nerve to pursue women they're interested in. While I usually hate stereotyped gender roles, if you are male and all too often fit the descriptions above, it's time to grow up and man up (see above link for ideas). Wussy is simply not sexy.